Christmas Movies to Make You Miserable

 

The Military-Industrial Complex and Pulpiticians of Conventional Morality (heretofore, The Man) says  everybody loves Christmas and all its Yuletide cheer. The reality: most of the world doesn’t give a shit about Christmas (or Jesus even), and plenty of people who should be happy are exhausted from the holiday’s obligations and/or disenfranchised by X-mas’ tacky displays of hyper-consumerism. In short: Christmas sucks for plenty. The following media confirm your your suspicions: Christmas is a capitalist conspiracy funded by Coca-Cola, wrapping paper conglomerates, and the American-Dream-Propaganda-Machine known as Hollywood, with the agenda of tricking innocent people into wasting money on garbage, time with people they hate, and the fetishistization of a corrupted Pagan fantasy!

Awesome TV Specials Proving Christmas Sucks — Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) perfectly articulates the angst of Christmas season, set to delightful jazz piano. “I always end up feeling depressed!” Charlie Brown bemoans. The little bald boy resents Christmas’ commercialism–Money! Money! Money! The Meaning of Christmas!–a flyer explains. Minus the secular message, it highlights the holiday’s biggest problem: people demanding gifts. The first episode of The Simpsons, Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (1989) shows you can’t pick your presents, your family, or even the winner of a dog race; there’s a reason the 90’s most biting satirical wit set its first sites on Christmas. How can we combat Christmas woes? Seinfeld’s Frank Costanza makes up his own holiday in “The Strike” (1999). “Festivus for the rest of us!,” Frank declares, inventing a holiday founded in the traditions of conservatism (a pole instead of a tree), self-improvement (Airing of Grievances instead of gift-exchange) and father fighting. In short: the best way to escape Christmas’ dark chill is beating up your dad.

The Root of All Evil –Arnold Scwatzenegger’s Jingle All the Way (1996) is a shining example of people confusing Christmas as a time for consumption rather than reflection. Sinbad and Arnold try to get their sons a rare action figure and the film tries to purport an anti-capitalist message; however, Jingle All The Way cost 75 million dollars, spawned a series of action figures, and totally sucked. Talk about falling into preformative fallacy! What about schlocky crap cashing in on nostalgic goodwill? Star Wars Christmas Special (1978) was the first appearance of Boba Fett, but is considered so lame even George Lucus himself won’t release it on DVD to make money off of itJim Carry showed the world how easy it is to turn into a hideous monster with, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2001) a lame cash-in on animation legend Chuck Jones’ classic. There’s countless more, but I’m getting too ornery to continue!

How Fucking Romantic — I think the worst holiday movies are the ones that guilting people into enjoying the Christmas spirit. Like Tim Allen’s Christmas with the Kranks: the film that reminds us lots of people use Christmas as a way to ostentatiously compete with neighbors through the display of gaudy lawn ornaments. Hopefully, Tim Allen is done making Christmas movies because America will never forgive him for Santa Claus 3. Vince Vaughn also makes a lot of bad Christmas movies: besides Fred ClausFour Christmases argues that you should have to see every family member in one stressed filled day, even if you’re phony and don’t like any of them. Worst of all, Ben Afflick’s Surviving Christmas: Afflick literally buys a family for a quarter of a million dollars and tries to have sex with his purchased daughter. You may also remember Afflick’s (Reindeer Games (2000), in which he pulls off a huge heist while folks are busy celebrating Christmas. You’re a jerk, Ben Afflack! There’s a reason suicides spike in the holiday seasons.

Deck the Halls with BLOOD!: Some people hate Christmas so much it sends them into a kill-crazy rampage. In fact, it inspired Bob Clark to invent horror cinema’s most notorious genres: the slasher film.  In Black Christmas (1974), a deranged serial killer haunts a sorority house (go Pi Kappa Sigma!) around Christmas time and establishes troupes John Carpenter and Mike Myers would perfect four years later. In 1984, both aforementioned films would be ripped-off with the Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) franchise (spawned four sequels and inspired a similarly named zombie spin-off, Silent Night, Zombie Night). Coca-Cola mascot, Santa Claus, has also been a source of murderous anxiety:  Satan Claus (1996) shows a psychopathic roaming New York, amputating body parts to decorate a really gross Christmas tree; Santa Claws (1996) is an almost-soft-core porno about a crazy Santa stalking an erotic horror actress; cleverest of all, Santa’s Slay (2005) reveals Santa was actually a demon tricked into delivering presents but eventually able to break his curse with capricious murder. Then, there’s the really stupid ones. Like Jack Frost (1996), the movie where an anthropomorphic snowman made of acid kills people by eating them and rapes a girl with his carrot nose (also, the first film to feature “sex symbol” Shannon Elizabeth). Or, Gary Busey’s The Gingerdead Man where the nefarious cookie-killer (made by a witch by combining Busey’s ashes and magic spices) throws his foes into ovens. So good, the film inspired two sequel, The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008) (the cover shows Gingerdead Man crucified on a cookie cross) and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011). Strangest of all, Christmas trees have gotten in on the murderous action. I haven’t seen Trees (2000), Trees 2: The Root of All Evil (2004), or the unrelated Treevenge (2008), but I don’t suspect any of them are good in the traditional sense of the word. This section was inspired by, “ko1ru” a list maker on Listal. Thanks!

Miscellaneous:  If you’re looking for more bad-holiday fun, check out: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) (immortalized by that really sweet Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, 1993). Hulk Hogan’s attempt at a family Christmas cash-in, , and, who could forget Adam Sandler’s

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